Textual Gratification

Originally posted 2/12/09

Well, I couldn't figure out what to write my next post about. Meanwhile, I have five months of text messages stored in my phone. I've decided to put my mouth where the paw meets the pasture, and (I don't know what that means. Its very late) throw down some best-of-texts-messages for your reading pleasure. My phone stores "sent" messages separately from the "inbox," so I'm just gonna string together some sent messages in chronological order and let you fill in the blanks. First two months, we'll see if this works... Oh yeah, warning, may contain material unsuitable for you and bla bla bla, ok.

"O. My prof is too hot to listen to. My notes are pathetic."
"Well now I'm on the train. Remind me next time I'm in class. She can migrate across my land bridge any glacial period of the week."
"I want to measure her gracial skull features with my caliper." "
I want her to show me a use for the hyoid bone aside from speech."

"Pretty girls in bikinis want to get me drunk. So much for studying."

"Turns out world tour of beer doesn't lead into paper writing very well."

"I am, in fact, a college student."
"I am deeply offended! I bleed whatever my school's colors are!"
"My doctor, the waitress at old chicago's, says I have senoritis."

"John? You're talking to Conrad Striker M.D. P.I.."

"I know. At least I have this paper cutter to play with. Finger in. Press. Sweet, I didn't get cut again. John and paper cutter 4 ever."

"If it helps, it was actually already done downloading and I still wanted to get drinks."

"Oh, idk if I can back that up with any brilliant melancholic insight."
"Fine, how bout I miss having sex with someone I believe I'm in love with."
"I'm tired of living in a state of perpetual competition. It is as tiring as it is idiotic."
"Everyone is absorbed in their own little movies and I'm tired of paying along with them."
"We are like bugs trying to grab as much web as we can, until we are completely bound when the spider arrives."
"Move less. Remain intact. Die with dignity. That was my best shot at depressing."
"Idk. The Broncos lost today. That's pretty bad."

"You know I'm not cool. Just row row row your boat, man."
"Lol. The good news is that bad news is buttercream too."

"I'm smoking while lifting. It makes me feel like a thug."
"And coughing and getting smoke in his eyes."

"Here is my #. That girl did seem ticked huh? Maybe she didn't catch my satirical tone."

"So are you guys talking again?"
"Oh, I just thought cuz of your convo last night."

"I'm still digging a hole with this girl..."

"What idk this chick is stupid i quit."

To everyone: "Lol, life is a hilariously meaningless condition! Just learn to laugh in the face of it's absurdity."

"Everything seems so reasonable to text when you are drunk..."

"I'm bored. Free entertainment please! {reaches out palm in entitled gesture}"

"Absolutly. I like having sex to be as much like viewing porn as possible. My eyes need more than the entire rest of my body." <= ..there were shallow motivations behind this not entirely true statement...
"Yeah my brain is fried"
"Wanna hear something embarassing about porn?"
"The other night, me and some friends are at chilis and charles is telling us about watching pirates with his girl when it was released, and I blurt out, o so that was back in '05. Everybody just stared for a sec before they busted out laughing." (I happened to work at blockbuster in 05, okay?)

"I am bored still. Any new theories?"
"Any supporting arguments?"
"Burger King is underrated."

"Can you qualify sketchpants for me?"

"Lol, you heard pakistan pres zardari called palin gorgeous and said he wanted to give her a hug?"

"Another thing to remember is that cia would never let nuclear attack happen. Lol they already took the fall for 9 11." <=I don't know what I'm talking about, as a rule of thumb.
"Lol, well, we'll see what happens with the economy here. Maybe we all get to go back to the block." <= Actually, maybe I do.

"Yeah its true. Myself is fun. But myself is also a slave driver."
"Nuh uh, I'm always like y haven't you started your paper, self?"
"Yeah but I'm always getting nagged."

"You could argue that the distinct things are a product of consciousness that, as an entity preexisting its own process of distinction, must be singular. But yeah, you whooped him pretty good."
"Well divisionless."
"Stupid work. Yeah, how does a characteristicless entity come to characterize itself as a characterizing entity? ehm lemme think for a sec."
"The idea of change is a product of distinguishing consciousness. The mind cannot become the latter until it already has... Damn you, paradox!"
"Unless things are not a product of consciousness and can change before we are aware of it. Uh oh."

"Oh just go crazy and even scare people if necessary."

"Today I was impersonating a t rex and shawnda told me i have 'no sense at all.'"

"No one is gonna have fun with you before you do."

"Everyone is charismatic when they are not contorting themselves, so, rarely."

"Yeah i'm behind blockbuster nailing a shelf for my keyboard onto my desk." (1:50 AM)

"I wish I had DLd drivers before I installed xp and lost my network adapter."

"It's okay I've spent the last three days in non-stop piracy and lock-picking. You are absolved of your sins by contrast."
"Con judgements in general.(?) I am the new world standard."
"No it's positive. It's like a really favorable curve."
"Well, it's already been accepted by most national governments: the me-tric system."

"Woooo! Coffee!"

"It shall be posted on my blog."

That's a good stopping point. Let me know if this was interesting or lame.