Textual Gratification II: The Great Valley Adventure

I am neutral to present the next installment of Textual Gratification: The Great Valley Adventure. This was a dark time, before I quit school, quit smoking, became a vegetarian, and started working out. The content is bad for you. Reader discretion is mandatory.

yay for pastoralism. Read my blog!

Clearly you are delusional in your suckiness.

At the risk of deflating my ego, let's talk.

Oh, I forgot you're all bigoted against whites.

That felt weird. Later.

I'm just glad you're in another state right now.
Eh, your anger will subside by then.
Sounds like you arranged for me not to wake up.

Don't plz. I got pro tools, started a blog, and I'm trying to do school every now and then.
Also, I work constantly. Maybe that's why it seems like I've been ignoring you.

Same shit, different shoes (that I stole from our lost and found).

Btw, I know a gentleman never bla bla bla, but how'd it go?

My vampire name is either The Golden Phoenix of Scandinavia or Serenula Lonesomhel.
Vampiricism is more my roommate's thing, cuz he is one from like fucking Croatia or whatever.
Eh its okay. I come home from work when he leaves so it works out.
He used to think he was the anti christ and I used to think I was the regular christ, so, again, it works out.

Die slowly, but not so slow that I ever have to see you again.

I'm not even watching. I'm writing about Murgok, the omnipotent dolphin overlord.

What happened to your neurons? I guess I haven't seen you in a while.
I'm thinking of a color between one and the letter d that is a verb.
Just testing the brokeness of your brain. Skate City was a good response though.
So how did it start breaking?

Eh the planet is alright. There's nothing else for you and me, really.
I just wish I had the time or money to see more of it.

O m g! I can buy a miniature usb controlled missile launcher. How annoying would that be?

I hope you melt it to teach its friends a lesson.
All you are saying... is give snow a chance?

Nyquil, good idea.
Wow, nyquil works.
That nyquil did me in. I'm gonna crash.
Nyquil fucks you up.
Nyquil was a bad idea.

Oh, thanks. Idk, I actually can't remember the last time I drew, but this was more like a schematic anyway.
Meh. You should see my paintings and sculptures.

Wow, I an just wasted.
I am wasted now.
I'm damn wasted.

Ow. I drank too much last night. What's up with you?
We talked on the phone? Look at that, dialed call. That must have been what I was doing before I came back to the car to get Brittany. Lol, I wondered where I went.
Eh, seems like it would just dig the hole deeper. Who knows who I'd have to kill after that?

What was your movie about? How big was the biggest explosion?

I have this theory that all people are made hot by virtue of their being someone's cousin. The cousinless are hideous.

The other night I was talking to these guests from West Virginia and I was teasing them about being hicks. Then I said, "It's okay. My grandparents were second cousins." They just stood there and eventually said, "West Virginia is a pretty modern place."

I went to a costume party as a lamp the other night, but I was pretty tired from work where I got bit by a dog.

Yeah... but I feel like putting up futile and counter productive resistance to my obligations.
Thank you. It's kinda my thing. The trick is to pull out an A and still have your job when it's all said and done. Nevermind the perpetual anguish.

Hey, I never claimed to be smart in your presence, I'm pretty sure, although I do make that claim a lot, so who knows.

Ooh cool. So these three Indians get arrested in St. Louis for being too drunk. To get out of jail, they explain that they were from the Northwest and that they had come to St. Louis to learn about Jesus. So, a bunch of missionaries leave for Oregon where, turns out, the natives don't care about Jesus, but the land is amazingly fertile. They wrote home, and thus began the Northwest Migration (Oregon Trail, etc.). Cuz of three drunk Indians.

I wish you could turn off your liver like a firewall. No, liver, I don't want you to work right now, save yourself for unwanted poisons.
Yeah, stupid gods. I want more organ control.

(my friend voted for herself as sorority president)
Well that's all that matters. To vote is to win, even if you lose.
It's also a crock of crap! You lost. You voted and it didn't matter and you lost!
What a waste of time!
And we only live so long... Along with the presidency, you lost some life. A big big loss for liz this time.
But for real, I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe next year?

$2.25 is a really good price for Tombstone. Did you know?

Mmm lean cuisine. Won't fill you up and always leaves you sad.

Ahh. Nice clean apt. And it only took me over two hours.

(I'm trying to help a friend plan a date)
Hmmm, rob a convenience store. Then say jk and give them the money back?
Or if you have a friend working somewhere you could pretend to rob him.
Yeah that sounds good too, I guess... Oh... just in comparison to my robbery plan.
What about Grant? You could break into his apt and then have a choreographed stool fight!
Dude, I meant like breakfast stool...

I don't argue! Your position is fundamentally flawed.

I decided to go for it! I'm just gonna do it!
I'm eating strawberry Hagendazs while reading Wealth of Nations!
You say: that's fuckin hardcore!
No I'm not! I'm gonna get really drunk off alcohol soon. Probably after work tomorrow.
What if I kill people? Kill them like a man.

So how'd you end up with the Turkish gangsters?
There's a reason they won't let those stab-happy atheists into the EU.

What topic? Well, nevermind. Did you eat anything interesting lately?

I try. Very hard.
When I was at LC my phrase "trouncing the yam" caught on.
It was not uncommon to hear, "Where are Steve and Candy?" "Oh, they're trouncin the yam."
Similarly, I find humor in the phrase "bangin her like a nut case." Just thought of that like 30 min ago.

Stupid lucky Joe's doin em both, I bet.
There's only one bed, which I always perceived as an obstacle. She would just crash with her roommate and her boyfriend and, consequently, I would just go home.
Stupid Joe. Some 6'5" pillars of tattooed manhood have all the luck.

I accidentally mentioned she was 20 at the bar and she freaked out on me, at which point I said f u, imma go play with these strangers. (Yeah, not so cool of me in retrospect) Now I'm frying salami and lamenting that they drank all the booze while I was at work.

We were on the dance floor and wonder woman and hermione disapperated. I turned to my friend the penguin and said, "Oh no! We lost our wiminz and perhaps our self worth."

Cuz I'm drinking girl drinks? I like stuff that tastes good.
Oh, eh, I can down booze like a bitter old lady, so I'm not offended.
Naw, that's just my inherent pirate nature.

Lame is the path of righteousness.
Yeah but what if a sandal hating neo nazi actually took them and burned them, and you could have saved them by stealing them?
But you can't be sure. See, you can't save everyone, so you should steal from them.
Exactly, you found the sandals and wanted to keep them safe from nazis.

I look like Charleton Heston.
Shut up! I am Charleton Heston!
Am too! Let my people go, Judas!

My fortune cookie says, "The dream is within you."

It's busier than a bitch in Burma!

Yay! Work is finally over! Election party?
John... Is this Ian?
Well that explains a lot. Wanna come to my friend Ian's election party?

Sorry, I left my phone in my car.
What a great night! I won in Beruit and poker and Obama won the presidency!! Yay! Here's to a great four years!

to be continued...